Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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