We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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