I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
