My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize