So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
