I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
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I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
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I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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