Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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