She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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