Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
