A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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