I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
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I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
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I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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