Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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