I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
