I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
