So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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