I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
