He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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