My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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