I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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