On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
