I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
