the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
