I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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