I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I want to have your abortion
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
