Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
