Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
