This is not my ceiling
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
operation harelip BJ is a go
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
