Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
