tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
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