I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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