have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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