dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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