What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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