sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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