found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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