Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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