You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
