STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
