I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
