She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
