If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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