I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My cat gives me a boner
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
