best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
