your room smells of hookers.
And success
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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