he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
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I take back everything I said about communal showers
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
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I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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