I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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