I must be too annoying 4 u.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
