i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
