my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
my liver is dry heaving
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
