Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
