Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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