That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
