I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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