Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
I used to kick so much ass
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".