My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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