Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
