There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
