Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
