it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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