listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
